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About Me, Myself, and I:

I was born in Tel Aviv, Israel. I then toddled my way through Bayside and grew up the rest of the way in South Bellmore, New York. Afterwards, I just grew out in Long Beach and Kew Garden Hills, New York. For the next chapters of my life, I lived many years in Phoenix, Arizona and Eilat, Israel. Currently, I am living out my latest adventure just north of Tel Aviv.

I’m a Cynical Optimist with Vain Altruistic tendencies. Once modern orthodox, now modern Jew, I like the simple life, doing what feels right, not just going through the motions because it’s what’s expected. The most valuable thing of all to me is my children. I love spending time with my two most wonderful lights in my life. My son always has an interesting outlook on life and is always capable of reminding me what is really important and what’s not. My daughter is carefree, the way she should be, and knows how to get almost anything she really, really, really [emphasis on the last really] wants from me. She loves to be babied, but she also knows how to look after the old man. Both my children are super inquisitive and, from time to time, ask me questions for which I have to do some research in order to find the answer to. Simple answers will not do for these two. I will do anything I can to spend as much time as possible with my kids, even if it means that I have to bend over backwards, practically breaking my back and snapping my spine. A few times a week I work out, but am still waiting to be afflicted with the bug everyone is talking about that will make me not want to miss a session and bring me to the point that I cannot live without it. So, I’m schlepping myself to the gym, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting… I have also begun taking Salsa/Rumba classes. No toes have been stepped on so far, but I have almost taken off a couple of heads. It would probably be better if I could feel the rhythm since I don’t hear it very well. I’m psyched about beginning school! Haven’t seriously been to school since Glasnost/Perestroika and my last thesis was on the convertibility of the Ruble. So I have donned the backpack filled with school supplies with the intention of obtaining a PhD in “The Fourth World and the Right of Self Determination in International Law” and the title of PD Dr. habil. and teach. Am I crazy? Am I delusional? Probably, so consider yourselves forewarned and interact with me at your own peril.

There was a time when I communicated in more languages than English and Hebrew (my son is always correcting my Hebrew and teaching me new words while my daughter is always trying to improve my accent. It doesn’t always work, though. Perhaps my noggin is a little thick at times). I once read, wrote and spoke in Spanish on a semi-frequent basis before I moved to Israel. When my son was two, I was excited to see that his kindergarten teacher was from Argentina. I tried to communicate in Spanish, just so that I could practice. She laughed her A$$ off while I just looked at her, scratching my head. Was my Spanish really that bad? Even then it was a number of years since I had spoken. When she relaxed a little to take a breath or two, she informed me that I was not speaking in Spanish, rather in Mexican. Moving on, there was a time where I could read and write in French. Speaking French was too tough for me and I could never get a hang of it, and when someone spoke to me in French, it might as well have been in Cantonese. If they didn’t write it out on a piece of paper, I was totally lost. Another language I used to communicate in was American Sign Language. That form of communication ended when I left Phoenix. I tried to learn Israeli Sign Language, but it was hard to find a practice partner in Eilat. Now that I live Up North (or, as the rest of the country says, in the Center – when you live in Eilat, everything is “Up North”), perhaps I will reattempt to learn ISL and look for someone to work with. Anyways, I doubt that I could communicate in Spanish, French or ASL anymore since I didn’t really have the opportunity to practice (or perhaps it’s more that I haven’t made the opportunity). It seems that the old adage, “if you don’t use it, you lose it,” is quite correct. Ok, enough with the egocentrism and on to the narcissism.

Making people smile and feel good are one of the things I enjoy doing most. I would like to think that I have a sense of humor, though my brother tells me that most people don’t get me because it goes over their head. OK, my humor’s kind of dry, but my cousin always laughs at my jokes. Or is she laughing at me? Who cares, the end result is the same: She’s laughing. Then again, my students always laughed at my jokes and so do my kids. Now, if kids laugh at my jokes, then I must be funny. Am I right or am I right (that was a rhetorical question, please don’t answer)? The only real problem (or peeve, gripe, vexation – fill in any synonym you feel appropriate) I have is (drum roll please): cigarettes. I can’t stand the smell of cigarette smoke. I don’t care which brand or how it’s smoked. I don’t care if it is on the clothes, in the hair, in the next room, across the hall, three meters away, or across the street. I get a whiff of it, and I’m in a less than a fine and dandy mood. The only smoke that I will tolerate is that coming from a grill with a nice thick steak cooked slightly less than medium. That said, I do, for some reason I have no idea why and only to a certain extent, like the smell of smoke from a high quality cigar or pipe. For me this is really weird, because I don’t smoke myself and absolutely refuse to become intimate with a smoker. Go figure.

That said (get used to it, I love saying “that said” for some unknown reason), I once enjoyed going out and listening to live music at the pub and dancing at clubs. I am single once more! Or, at the very least, almost divorced [emphasis on the almost, it seems like it’s going to take forever]. So (as my psychologist and attorneys are so fond of telling me) it’s time to get back out there into the world of dating (G-d help me). I’ve been way too serious for way too many years and have apparently forgotten how to let my hair down (dumb jokes not withstanding). I’m here looking for someone to show me the ropes again and remind me and return me to what I had lost: How to have a really good time. I’m not looking for a soul mate (or a sole mate for that matter, after all, I have kids) or my other half (ever read the Missing Piece Meets the Big “O”?), rather a complete, confident and intelligent woman to share experiences with. I am looking for a nice Jewish girl who is patient, outgoing, respectful, patient, responsible, confident, intelligent and patient. I am looking for a woman who is comfortable with herself and her state in life, one who can learn and grow from my experiences and outlook in life and I from hers. Someone who can remind and re-teach me what I had forgotten since I moved to Israel: “Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have.” This is what I want us to experience together!

The following statement I found while surfing through DatingBook. I think that it is the finest “About Me” that any woman had put on that site. This is someone I would definitely like to get to know because, at the very least, I believe that she could be a very good friend. Too bad there aren’t more people with her view.

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there…to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become.
You never know who these people may be but, when you lock eyes with them, you know that every moment they will affect your life in some profound way.
And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair but, upon reflection, you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, will power or heart.
Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, Injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul.
Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.
If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart to. If someone loves you, love them back, unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and open your heart and eyes to little things.
Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high.
Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don’t believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you.

Many girls and most internet sites ask what I think the perfect first date is. “Comfort” is fundamental. Aside from comfort, there is enjoyment coming in at an extremely close second. Not forgetting your date’s name is nice too (I’m always nervous about that). Any date should be one that you have so much fun that you don’t even feel that it is a first date, or second, or third, etc. It may be an interview process, but it’s not an interrogation. I’m lazy. I don’t like to work hard. I love it when things flow freely and hate it when I have to rack my brains for the next thing to say. Don’t be afraid to talk. Don’t be afraid to ask. I am pretty much an open book and will pretty much talk and answer just about anything. If and when I feel uncomfortable about a subject matter (rare as it may be) I will tell you so. I assume that you will do the same.  The more interesting and varied the subject matter, the more I will engage. I am very opinionated about certain matters and may even get excited about them. It may even turn into a debate. If it does, that would be awesome. Don’t be afraid. Hold your own and we’ll be fine together. I understand that the first date is an emotional experience for some. It is for me as well. Any woman who knows how to engage me on a cognitive level will have me on her side, even if it doesn’t seem so. Awkward moments are inevitable. Not to worry, it will pass soon enough when a thought pops into one of our heads. The more thought provoking bullshit we can conjure up and spout out, the better. Don’t take me too seriously because chances are that I won’t be. I love to have fun and will do anything I can to pull a smirk, smile or laugh out of you. If you would return the favor, it would be greatly appreciated. Everyone has quirks. I understand that and I hope that you do too. Hopefully you will have patience with me, because I am determined to have patience with you. Don’t apologize for your quirks because I won’t apologize for mine and I have plenty that I am aware of and probably ten times more that I am unaware of. At worst, I expect that we will have an enjoyable date (or at the very least, a date that was not a total disaster). At best, we will be attached at the hip till one of us drops dead.

Two things that make me chuckle when I see what girls are looking for in a partner: 1. serious callers only; and, 2. tall callers only. I don’t understand girls that state, serious callers only. How do you know if you want to get serious with someone after only a chat or a first date? I don’t want to get serious with anyone that I feel pressured with. Don’t ask me if I want to get serious, because I’m not looking to get serious. Don’t ask me what I think unless you want to hear the truth. I’m looking to have fun and feel comfortable with whomever I am with. Every time I go out, I want to enjoy myself. If I don’t enjoy myself and feel pressured, there is definitely no reason for another date. Why put myself through that? Why would anyone want to go through that? Who wants to feel obligated and pressured for absolutely no reason for someone they don’t even know? Been there, done that, bought the T-Shirt, worn it to shreds, and burned it. If I enjoy myself with someone and eventually feel comfortable enough to the point that I want to be with only one girl, then that’s great. I would love to have a long term partner and feel carefree about it. Exclusivity depends on my feelings, not on demands. If a woman is not looking for a one night stand, that’s extremely understandable. I’m not looking for one either (that’s not to say that if I’m offered, I’ll refuse), I just hope that she’s not planning on staying celibate for the rest of her life. If serious means, “no one night stands,” then please define it as such (I’m thick, I need things spelled out for me in an express manner and not implied). As for the tall callers only, I can understand this. I think that it shows insecurity on the girl’s part, but still, it is understandable. Even with the female of the species demanding and exuding their belief in the “equality of the sexes” and “women’s liberation”, society has ingrained in us that the man has to be the more powerful partner of a relationship, and that subconsciously (at the very least), size denotes power. If after all is said and done a woman feels the need to be protected from the world by her partner, that’s fine with me. Personally, I know many bite size girls and petite women who are way tougher than giants. In short, there are chivalrous men out there who believe in cognitive equality between the sexes and that meltdowns are the natural product of periodic hormonal imbalances of the human reproductive cycle. Besides, it’s not the size that matters, it’s how you handle your resources.

THERAPY JUST TO GET SOMETHING OFF MY CHEST SESSION
Okay, would somebody please tell the world’s smallest violin player to stop playing the world’s smallest violin?

Many girls have asked, even if they are not interested in meeting any time soon (which I find totally bizarre – maybe it’s a fetish), what I usually wear. Perhaps they see it as an insight to a personality, I don’t know. Anyway, I usually wear a button down shirt or T-Shirt (sometimes together), jeans (black or blue), black loafers, and many times I have a backpack slung over my shoulder. Additionally, I almost always wear the device to the right around my neck. “What is it,” you ask (assuming you don’t already know)? Ask me directly and you will get an answer.

Surprisingly, and it happened more than once by the way (that’s what was surprising), when a girl and I made plans to meet for the first time; she stated that I was not going to receive a blowjob. Honestly, and I told them, “I was not expecting one, but thanks for the forewarning.” I have a set of standards when meeting a potential long term partner: On the first date, acquainting ourselves with one another cognitively and emotionally is preferred to determine if there is any sort of empathic bond; the second date, if warranted by the first, is for petting; the third date, if the first two went well, fellatio and/or cunnilingus may be performed; and on the fourth date, assuming we connect, is the earliest opportunity, as I see it, for coitus. Now that you understand my expectations, you don’t have to worry that I’ll expect a blowjob upon meeting you for the first time. Something else that’s surprising is meeting a girl whose profile picture is from about a decade ago. Back then she was hot, but now, she’s less than. I would call that false advertising on par with “bait and switch.” Additionally, stating that you are a non-smoker and then pulling out a cigarette because you suddenly need a drag after not smoking for years is not only “bait and switch” in my eyes, but simply fraudulent behavior that should be subject to a cause of action. I mean, come on!

Something else that drives me crazy is that some girls ask what I consider the perfect woman to be. Well, the perfect woman doesn’t exist. Every woman (usually) has her own inner and outer beauty, each in accordance with her gifts (or, as I have found out lately, purchases may be used to substitute for gifts). If you insist on me describing the perfect woman, fine. Now, remember, it took me a long long long long time to think about this one, so here goes (actually, she came to me in a dream). My ideal woman: Rebecca, born on Thursday, January 24, 1985, has an innate physical, mental and spiritual beauty. An extremely attractive face (even without makeup) with breathtaking features, a tight, well toned, athletic, all natural body ((her measurements are, give or take, about 100cm-50cm-75cm (about 40”-20”-30”)) very large (fun to play with) breasts, firm flat (six pack) stomach, a small tight (fun to grab) ass, strong embracing (ready to hug at a moment’s notice) limbs (limbs are arms and legs for those who don’t get it)) with exceptionally long soft flowing strawberry blonde hair and very deep intense blue green eyes that you can lose yourself in. Though she is extremely petite in stature (150cm tall (about 4’11”)), she is quite grandiose on wit and humor. Highly motivated and unusually intelligent (a genius who is wise beyond her years), and since she has never been married, she has had plenty of time to complete her many published works on Pervasive Developmental Disorders. She may not have much experience, but she is very well versed on a great many subjects. A delight to converse with, she enjoys discoursing  and debating about virtually anything, holding her own with the best of them. Rebecca doesn’t smoke have tattoos or piercings (other than her ears). Although she enjoys drinking socially, she never does to excess and never loses control of her faculties. Always upbeat and cheerful, she constantly brings out the best in the people around her. Rebecca is culturally Jewish, coming from a Hungarian/Romanian orthodox background, but does not practice. She knows English, Hebrew, Hungarian and Romanian, among other languages, and can communicate in American and Israeli Sign Language. Among her hobbies, she enjoys dancing, working out, reading, camping and making me feel like I’m on top of the world. Can we move on now?

Still interested? Want to know more about what I like? Well frak that gorramn idea, live long and prosper, and allons-y. Don’t get offended, rather, think about it. BTW, in case you hadn’t noticed yet, I tend to be extremely bawdy and often run off at the mouth for no apparent reason. No offense is ever (well, virtually never) intended and my remarks are (practically) always in good spirits. It’s just one of my many quirks.

This article has grown considerably since its inception.
The more I experience, the more I laugh or scratch my head, the more I write.
If I experience enough, this may become my dissertation 😉

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4 Comments

  1. I am not Jewish, or looking for a partner, but nice style!

  2. I think we could be friends; not “could” as in i already know you but lost the connection . Could as in we’d get along.

    • Always good to make new friends 🙂


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