In a fit of anger her majesty Queen Elizabeth II issued the following letter to the citizens of United States of America
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and inability to effectively govern yourselves responsibly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David William Donald Cameron, will appoint a Governor for the former United States of America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
- You will learn that the suffix ˜burgh” is pronounced “burra”; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ˜Pittsberg” if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Then look up “aluminum” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
- The letter “U” will be reinstated in words such as ˜colour”, “favour” and “neighbour”. Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters.
- Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
- There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter “u”.
- You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
- July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
- You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults and then used solely for shooting grouse. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to handle a gun, let alone shoot grouse.
- Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
- All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
- All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
- The former United States of America will adopt the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
- You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
- Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
- The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
- Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
- You will cease playing “American” Football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies or Jessies – English slangs for effeminate males and blouses for big girls respectively).
- Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of the United States of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.
- You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
- An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
- Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
Thank you for your cooperation.
God Save the Queen!
Enlightened Existential Empiricism 
314 Comments
Love it!! Can I come over there to live then? Please pretty please?
Me too please!!
Did anyone check the date? 2011 and we all think it was written about this current situation. That’s even more sad…doesn’t matter the year. The USA just keeps on acting less than flattering.
I wont mind you either. Its not the citzens, its the nutts who elected obama. All of US did not vote for him.
How ignorant… ‘Its not the citizens”? roflmoa Only citizens CAN VOTE and thus Obama became President. You certainly prove the point of this post Sharlot Kelly and thereby need immediate governance by the Queen.
I agree it was a combination of illegals and ACORN voter fraud that stole the election unfortunately our Press has abdicated on the responsibility of their profession. We the People of the US would be more than happy to return the original colonies from Maryland north to Massachusetts, unfortunately the others are so independent minded that it would be like inviting a country of soccer hooligans into you tidy kingdom.
It was the illegal aliens, cartoon characters, felons, thugs, and multiple voters who got Obama in. And don’t worry, the GOP won’t do a thing to challenge voter fraud, they are legally prohibited from doing so (1983 court order RNC vs DNC)
After reading all of the comments (especially the ones about Obama being the cause of all our woes), I can understand why we are failing as a nation: NO ONE HAS A BLOODY SENSE OF HUMOR! I personally have no love for the queen, but this is pretty damn funny. And FYI your highness, I am American and I spell those words with a “u” already. 🙂
You’re correct. Citizens do not elect the president. The Electoral College elects the president.
True, but a vast majority did. Why? Because, in spite of what The Queen might think, the majority of Americans still use common sense.
Only the crazy people didn’t vote for Obama
Wow, really? Who’s the ignorant one? All our votes are nothing. All they do is consider popularity amongst the country’s citizens. The Electoral College are the ones who’s votes actually count. Go back to school.
just the majority, that’s all…
You would have preferred two-faced Romney you moron?
i think you missed the point. YOU are the problem!
Its your republican party.
Obama care is basically like the Australian health care system (look it up), your whole nation benefits not those who can afford it
Both Americans and Brits use apostrophes (look it up) for words like “won’t ” and “it’s”. We also spell “nuts” with only one “t”. Further, we capitalize the name of our President, and use a semicolon between two independent clauses. But, then, all these issues only apply to those who think rationally and adhere to common decency instead of irrational hatred.
You are right / it was the MAJORITY who voted for him. It was the MINORITY who supported the Republican contender – so maybe the MINORITY party (the House of Representatives is NOT the sole governance of the nation, BTW) should respect the MAJORITY.
(God Save the Queen, anyway 😉
It’s not President Obama! It’s the tea party thugs in the Republican Party!!
Finally someone’s got it right! THANK YOU!
don’t be silly…..they love Obama in the UK and in Ireland
How is it possible to come to that conclusion ??
You’re a narrow minded idiot. It isn’t just Obama it’s both fucking sides. Open your eyes.
Oh dear Eve.
Quote: “All of you didn’t elect Obama?”
I think you mean “not all of us elected Obama.”
Actually all of you did elect Obama, just like all of you elected George Bush.
Good point, you didn’t did you, jed elected him!
See we Brits do keep up with what’s going on in our colonies even though you do ruin our tea, adopt it as a slogan name for a bunch of mindless rich and over privileged slope heads and occasionally humour us.
As a Welshman I will add the Americanism, “Have a nice Dai”
I agree!@!
Very funny – however, the royal monarchy does not know how to balance a budget because the royals pay no taxes until recently is my understanding, so although funny it is coming from the wrong person , sorry Liz
Um number 20 it WRONG! Tea time is dinner/supper time nothing to do with fancy tea cups it has to do with FOOD and EATTING must have been an American wrote this lol.
And Andie MacDowell’s character in ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an American. She didn’t do a British accent.
Yes, you may go live there. Just forget about medical and dental care, an be prepared exorbitant taxation. While living in Greece, I ran into an entire community of wealthy retired British citizens (our neighbors) whose sole purpose for their migration was obtainable healthcare, as they would have received treatment in Britain years after diagnosis, regardless of how much they could afford to pay. They chose Greece for it’s healthcare caters primarily to those who can pay, and its nearer location to Britain than most other possibilities.
I would like to add these were very generous people who even in their advanced age assisted my wife when she had complications to her pregnancy, as I had already returned to the US.
While our country has had issues over this past decade, things are still much better than Britain and the majority of the world. The poorest of the poor in our society have access to health services much of the world could only dream of, even for their wealthy population.
We should however, pay very close attention to what our own doctors are saying about the coming changes, for soon only the rich will have access to the wonderful treatment our nation has enjoyed for so long, as only the wealthy can afford to move to different countries for the proper treatment. And this comes from someone who grew up with nationalized health care.
You appear to be an imbecile.
Obviously the Queen Mum has not be introduced to American Craft Beers.
You misspelled aluminium.
@Sam, it was quite intentional.
Cheers
Actually, the Americans are supposed to look up “aluminium” so that they can learn how it’s supposed to be spelled and pronounced. Looking up the present American version of the word will get them absolutely nowhere and completely dissolves the point. IMHO….
I think that was the point being made !
You’re right. Americans spell it ‘aluminum’ without an extra ‘i’ so they pronounce it exactly as spelt, just as the British pronounce it how they spell it. ‘Asphalt’ on the other hand is pronounced as expected by Americans, but the Brits say ‘ashfault’.
Brits do not say ‘ashfault’.
We call it tarmac.
Well the word Aluminum was changed by the Brits not the Americans, after the British inventor Humphry Davy first coined the word “Aluminum” in his book Chemical Philosophy. They thought Aluminium sounded more classic.
The dictionary disagrees. Some Brits do say ‘ashfault’. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/asphalt – \ˈas-ˌfȯlt also ˈash-, especially British -ˌfalt\
misspelt*
If the ‘ol lady, excuse me, the Queen thinks she can do away with not celebrating my Birthday, She can bite my Ares. Hugs, even if I don’t want to, but I’ll try and be a nice little boy……..Hugs
Ares, do you mean ARSE????
Absolutely! You got it right.
If the ‘ol lady, excuse me, the Queen thinks she can do away with not celebrating my Birthday, She can bite my Ares. Hugs, even if I don’t want to, but I’ll try and be a nice little boy……..Hugs
Guess I got lucky and the Angels came along and swept away one of my best comments yet. Rat’s that was so much fun but now in retrospect, probably good that it-tall disappeared into the ether. Later, I gotta pee and get some sleep.
Oops just a little bit of an identity crises going on here: Funny arse stuff indeed : I’m wondering at times how many of those people out there in the wastelands of the American Dream have yet learned how to spell -evolution? Oops, Holy Crap …”gee, bro, you can’t be bringing that shit up here now, like4 yah Wanna just go out for some ch9cken and fries”. Mieh, here’s a question : What do You think is required, (politically, socially, economically,’spiritually’ (behaviour ?) – for our ‘lost’ neighbour to get her MoJo work’n again so that she be that ‘bestest’ that she can be? Breaks my heart, I love what NASA, Martin L.K, Thelonius Monk, Steven J.Gould, even Michael and especially a thousand others, (laugh) Steve J too, and LRYkNG, Mr. Gates, -wtf- big list, (Miles Davis, ?Madonna, Jack N., Arnold P. And Buzz Aldrin and Neil ArmStrong) Some of my American heros.. David B…. my list goes on and still I feel my heart murmur, “Will America recover from her current sabbatical from Intelligence?” laugh welcome to the Tea Party kids.
what the hell are you babbling about? gibberish.
You’re drunk. Go home.
UH…. yeah.
You are a false Monarch and I claim my £5- any true Englishman knows “catsup” is something cats do when provided with fresh fish. You’re thinking of the word “ketchup”
God Save the (True) Queen
tomato sauce
Andie Macdowell played an American in Four Weddings….other than that, brilliant 🙂
I agree. Andie Macdowell was an American in “Four Weddings”. However, if fairness to this post, her dialog in “Greystoke” had to be dubbed by Glenn Close. She played an American in that movie too – and her accent was considered too Southern, I guess. Perhaps she just shouldn’t speak.
21. One will learn how to use a knife and fork (one in each hand) when eating the table. The folk in the left hand and the knife in the right. One does not point with the knife as one can do serious damage to the person opposite. Remember to position the knife and fork at together when finished (positioned as 6:30 on a clock face)otherwise the servants/waitress will keep filling your plate. Ideally leave a small portion on your plate to indicate you are full besides it means the corgi’s can have a tip-bit.
why don’t you all stop leaving stupid remarks
HE ANNE,
EVEN REMARKS ARE FUN.
JUST TAKE IT FROM THE BRIGHT SIDE.
LOUISE VAN DER MAREL
Brilliant Ralph, definitely should have been included, it drives me mad when people don’t know proper table manners! :p
And while we are at it you hold your knife clasped within the palm of your hand and index finger pointing down the shaft, not like a pen, which is just crude and common. This shows a lack of culture ad is perpetuated by uninformed actors in shows such as Downton Abbey.
Well table manners might different from cultures… in Ethiopia it is quite common to eat with your left hand.
Don’t get me wrong, I am European myself, but it is not fair to call only your own table manners proper!
But I do like the work, thanks for sharing.
@Linde123 – We are talking about Great Britain and her colonies here, The Americans were a British colony before they decided to go it alone so they should know better, It’s quite a simple affair using a knife for and spoon but they seem to make such a hash of it.
As for Ethiopia well nobody has ever taught them how to use cutlery as they have never been a colony, But in this modern age they may get the idea if the Americans do not get in the way. 😉
@Linde153 and @tomarse I think it would be fair to state that whilst we are discussing dining etiquette of the colonies, such basics as not pointing the knife, fork in left and knife in right and not speaking with your mouth full should promoted worldwide. The British nation has clearly shown the world the correct way to act and behave. Our exemplary levels of decorum should be cherished and promoted in US, Ethiopia, China and even Scotland.
Whilst it is wonderful to have cultural differences and nuances, some things should just become the standard. Did we keep cultural differences when someone invented the toilet?? No, the majority of the world eventually embraced this hygienic seat (apart from the French).
On a side not there is also no reference to queuing. This great British pastime would probably end the majority of world problems – it provides order and sensibility at a micro level that, when adopted and properly used, will reverberate to the macro creating politeness and gentility on a global scale.
On a secondary side note, I have seen small steps towards the full integration of the US in to our British way of life. The loveable term ‘cunt’ is now much more commonly used by Americans.
We will then have to eat tables?
re table manners (use of fork and knife):
the fact that we were once a british colony does not mean we should dump our ways of doing thing in favour of the british ways. we got tired of the british ways so we opted for our independence and fought for it. only an imperialist minded individual would suggest that we continue to adopt the british ways and forget ours.
When eating the table? 🙂
Guess the English never knew that “brevity is the soul of wit!”
Ah Kate the irony (another thing Americans do not understand) – You may find that your quote was written by an Englishman…
Yes, Shakespeare!
Gotta love it!
Would we HAVE to have health insurance?
No, you’d have something even better – Universal Health Care.
“”GOD had BETTER save that senile old BAT cause we NANCY AND JESSIES won’t go down without a fight!”
I’ve always known the British are FU(KING nuts this is the proof I’ve long looked for.
Reblogged this on Justin Kassab.
1. You will learn that the suffix ˜burgh” is pronounced “burra”; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ˜Pittsberg” if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Then look up “aluminum” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
We will retain the proper phonetic pronunciation of our town names. Count your royal blessings we retained the useless “H” you tacked on to the end. Your insistence on adding superfluous letters to your words is something we find inefficient and useless
2. The letter “U” will be reinstated in words such as ˜colour”, “favour” and “neighbour”. Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters.
See Answer #1
3. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
I, again, refer you to answer #1 for a demonstration of the hypocrisy of your request.
4. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter “u”.
I do tend to agree with you on this fact. From here on out, it shall be referred to as “American”.
5. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
Even God can’t save you if you try.
6. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
See answer #5
1. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults and then used solely for shooting grouse. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to handle a gun, let alone shoot grouse.
The vast majority of us understand this perfectly. Apparently, from afar, you cannot see the difference between liberal twits and reasonable Americans. Judging by the nanny state you limey turds have set up, you can’t see it up close, either.
1. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
See, with the permits again. Brits can’t be trusted enough with a vegetable peeler without requiring a permit, yet you intend to lecture us on our gun culture. I laugh.
1. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
I suggest you attempt a cross-country voyage in a country that isn’t the size of a medium US state in one of your go-kart-sized “automobiles” before you try to tell us what to drive.
1. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
We have roundabouts, you twit. The only thing drier than your humor (spelled in proper American…without the unnecessary “U”) is our western deserts. Go ahead and try one of those cross-country trips I mentioned. You’ll find out.
1. The former United States of America will adopt the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
Cross country trips. Tractor trailers (not lorries…you sound like a bunch of sissies or “nancies” when you call them that) also make those runs. We have a real economy to support.
1. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
About the only thing you got right was the animal fat part. Unfortunately, animal rights sissies and liberal turds have made this unacceptable. I feel this may be the common ground upon which we may find a solution.
1. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
I can see this going two ways. If you mean “putting up with less crap” as we would say here, I suggest you don’t quite understand how a competition-based economy should function. I am not surprised. However, if by aggressive, you mean sexually, I found more common ground upon which we may stand.
1. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
How many gold medals does New Zealand bring in each at Olympics? Shut up about their “sporting abilities”. Our beer is as much for refreshment. We have this season here called “Summer” and it gets pretty hot. Hotter than you all serve your “beer”. We do sympathize with your need to drink for the sole purpose of drunkedness. We have seen your women…and with the exception of that Kate Middleton chick, we aren’t really impressed.
1. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
We invented the damn industry. We will continue to run it as we see fit. As soon as you start making countless movies that make countless millions of dollars, you haven’t a leg to stand on.
1. You will cease playing “American” Football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies or Jessies – English slangs for effeminate males and blouses for big girls respectively).
Soccer players are the most embarrassing “athletes” on earth. Rugby is cool. But, so is Football. How much money is the Royal Rugby League, or whatever you limey pricks call it, worth? I am fairly certain the NFL is worth more.
1. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of the United States of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.
Have you heard of Japan, Canada, China, Taiwan, Korea and the Dominican Republic? (not to mention the rest of the Carribean) Yeah, they all play baseball, too. And guess where their best players go to play pro ball? We are perfectly fine calling it a “World Series”. Yours is a game named after a bug I feed my pet frog. And seeing as 2.1% of your population understand proper oral hygiene, we laugh at all of your attempts to chastise us.
1. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
That’s pretty funny.
1. An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Now you know why we have firearms. Come and get your taxes, redcoat.
1. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
You are off by an hour…and by a drink. 5PM is beer time. And we will be drinking Budweiser.
I was enjoying your responses to this tongue in cheek article, until you got offensive. There was no need for it. your responses were just as relevant and funny as the author’s without resorting to calling people ‘turds’ etc.
Well said, I am afraid I went one further ( as a writer i find the offensiveness detracts from an otherwise cleverly thought out riposte… * you may want to clarify the meaning in the Oxford Dictionary*) I stopped reading.
The English have a phrase “It takes one to know one” The only thing smelling of BS here are the replies which as you rightly point out are abusive and turd like in their construction.
After reading the responses maybe this is not such a bad idea after all, I can see why we shipped the likes of Colby out of our country and sent you to the Americas.
We will definitely not be asking Colby to return though.
I agree. the addition of the H is confusing. I have a family member with the burgh on the end of their name. Another name which get up my nose is Gloucester, pronounced Gloster. us english makes more sense.
Worcestershire sauce is pronounced worstershire and Leominster is pronounced Lemonster ( I had to practice that one).
Now this was excellent!
You sir, are my hero today!
Hahaha
Brilliant . Love it. Yes Yes it’s 5 o’clock somewhere…
Loved your response!
Outside the name calling all quite good… oh and NZ per capital had one of the highest gold medal tallies at London coming in at #3 per million population vs the US’ @ #28 😉
1) Learn to take a joke.
2) You are equally insulting as this *joke* of a post with your own smug & polarized crap…which was the point of this entire post, so…thanks for legitimizing what was supposed to be satire.
My Words exactly!
American?
First return the lands to those, you stole them from, a few hundred years ago – maybe they’ll sell some of it back to you, so that you can stay, instead of shipping off, trying to find a new land to live on.
Then leave it up to them, how the native “Americans” want to call *their* language, instead of a misspelled name of an italian explorer (look up “Amerigo Vespucci”).
Let’s all laugh at Colby the butthurt, gun toting, trailer trash sitting, sister fucking, no passport holding arsehole.
I found most of your post funny until you mentioned an amazing 6 countries that play in a world series XD hahahahahahahahaha. Try the World Cup, where nearly every country in the world has played at least once in the past century, and where 32 teams play against each other in knockout stages after getting through the qualifiers.
Football (you know the sport the rest of the world plays where your foot actually hits the ball?) Is much more physically demanding than your precious kevlar suit handegg. Whereas hand-egg players tend to pump themselves up like a big steroid munching balloon and sprint for a few seconds, a Football player will run on a full length pitch for up to 20 minutes straight at a time before the ball goes out for play, can you say that for your 5-second worth sport?
Finally, of all beers, please do not even mention Budweiser. That pisswater that you guys dare affirm as “Beer” should serve no purpose but to flush down my toilet after some tea and crumpets.
P.S You Americans have some schools with armed teachers and you give us limeys a lecture about how free and developed you are?
I laugh
Would HRH kindly comment on whether she intends to return the stolen counties in Northern Ireland back to the rightful owners before our American friends decide to focus on the matter of whether Britain would be so great without them?
didn’t we save your limey asses in not one but two world wars?
colby..can’t you take a joke? It was hilarious and yet you’re offended. Did the article hit a nerve? Your response indicates you lack class and a sense of humoUr.
Julie Clark did you know your last name is “totally” English! Perhaps you need to read up on your history of the world wars.
Also who do you always ask for help in your fights with other countries?? The UK
Your replies were amusing but DON’T KNOCK THE KIWIS! And you’ll never beat us in rugby because we are the best, and yes the beer probably helps. Quantity of golds doesn’t really matter – you’ve got 75 times the size of our population so please, when you bring home 75 times the number of golds,, then we can talk.
US won the first Olympic gold medal
“How many gold medals does New Zealand bring in each at Olympics? Shut up about their “sporting abilities”. ”
More per head of population than America does 🙂 So obviously better!!!
@Colby – Some of what you say makes sense, some is complete drivel which appears that the only ting you seem to respect is the value of something e.g. hollywood, Sports (Need I remind you of John Carter).
Anyway, despite all of this, where you have really let yourself down and destroyed any credibility you may or may not have had is the failure to use a numbered bullet point system. The fact that every point is number 1 makes me feel that you are trying to answer the OPs first point about -burgh. This makes you seem a little retarded and befitting the American stereotype that is commonly shared by the majority of Europe and Asia (probably most of the world).
A simple step would be to include another point or an amendment to a previous point. As well as learning spelling and pronunciation, grammar could also be quite useful.
Feel free to check my response for spelling and grammar issues as there probably are some and by highlighting them we can help each other learn and develop (the British way). However, your numbered bullet faux-pas is perhaps the most schoolboy of errors rather than a misplaced comma or regionalised spelling error.
BY the way Colby, just as a minor point of interest, the first real film, Roundhay Garden Scene, made by Louis Le Prince on October 14, 1888 in Roundhay, Leeds, England, is now known as the earliest surviving motion picture.
Ned Kelly
Wow someone got his knickers in a twist!
As far as you calling English, American, your obviously a yank taking someone else’s idea and taking away a few letters and then claiming it as your’s (just like American football which is a Bunch of Wannabe rugby player’s wearing protective armor, “oh let’s copy there game called rugby and we will well wear a bunch of protective clothing cause we don’t wanna get hurt! (Nancies) and we will call it football!” Even though you rarely engage the foot with the ball. That’s what football is called football not soccer as the foot is in constant contact with the ball.
If you don’t like English or the Queens English then don’t speak it!
I took most offence to this comment as i am a British women. As far as are women you obviously don’t watch movies the list of stunning British women
Gemma Arterton
Rachel Weisz
Emilia Clarke
Kate Winslet
Kiera Knightley
Jessie J
Adele
Cheryl Cole
Pixie Lot
Saffron Burrows
The great Julie Andrews
Thandie Newton
Alice Eve
Emily Blunt
Cher Lloyd
I could go on forever just Google it!
And as far as movies, the British have done outstanding
Trainspoting
Lock stock and two smoking barrels
ALL the James bond movies
Four wedding and a funeral
The full Monty
The calendar girls
The clockwork Orange
Slumdog millionaire
Love actually
Lawrence of Arabia
The kings speech
Snatch
Again the list continues
Oh and as the Americans taking people things and calling them there own (not wanting to be British) didn’t you take the usa from the Indians? ?
Almost seems like it would be better thanx what’s going on now…
Humor the old lady, until her soldiers come to our shores. Then we will kill them all once again, just as we did the last time. Really, though, we ought to take down our own federal government first, and tackle Mrs. Windsor afterward.
Most excellent. We assume, your Majesty will be paying the national debt as part of the revocation. Thanks for that. We will call it an even trade.
Reblogged this on AmberLea of Alaska's Blog.
How dare she? Doesn’t she know that we’re busy saving the world and making it more American? But I agree on words and expressions; “ya’ know” should be replaced with “Don’t you know”!…swe could probably use “Old Chap” too.
To funny, only in yer dreams ya bloody wanker. lmao
Too
Bugger off!
Ralph, you can’t spell, which rather undermines your comment.
Does anyone know how to say fu*k the Queen? We may have a few idiots who are screwing up the government and She can have them (Boehner, Cruz, and a few others) We will keep what we got and there is a missle that can level the palace and a mile around Just waiting for that time. Then we will see if you back us on syria.
Not Unless You Want to Be Tried For Treason to the British Crown… Period.!!
Love this, makes fun of both the Americans and the English. Brilliant.
@ Trish, no you may not!! Improper to end a sentence with a preposition! @mental, not every american pronounces aluminium incorrectly! @Ralph, go on honey, you all have had your table etiquette wrong for a couple of centuries anyway. Guess Emily Post has never been available in the UK. As you Brits are so clever, perhaps one of you would explain why you think there should be an “rrr” sound a the end of words or names that in with an a, i.e., there is no “r” at the end of Princess Diana, nor South Carolina or even gorilla!!!
“As you Brits are so clever, perhaps one of you would explain why you think there should be an “rrr” sound a the end of words or names that in with an a, i.e., there is no “r” at the end of Princess Diana, nor South Carolina or even gorilla!!!”
I have been British all of my life and have never, ever thought there was an ‘r’ at the end of Diana, Carolina, Gorilla or even America – you must either have defective hearing or be listening to the BBC on the short wave band, where sound can be distorted by atmospheric effects. (PS: Don’t you mean e.g. rather than i.e.?)
@Tony H – Thanks for recognising our superior British intelligence and I will gladly answer your questions
‘… why you think there should be an “rrr” sound a the end of words or names that in with an a, i.e., there is no “r” at the end of Princess Diana, nor South Carolina or even gorilla’
It all comes down to one of the first things we learn at school – reading. We learn how to pronounce the letter ‘A’ and the letter ‘a’. The latter is shorter and softer. Here are to examples:
gorillA – would be like goril-‘ay’
gorilla would be like gorill-‘a’
As you can see there is no rrrr sound at the end just a soft ‘a’ sound.People who pronounce the word gorillarrr are speaking incorrectly and should be sent off for manual labour.
Maybe if they’re a pirate?
What took her so long to straighten you out???
I love this and it’s perfect, except #17 which is factually inaccurate, but spot on in spirit.
That was really funny, just love how she says a majority of things that are really not true, like when she said NewZealand are the best sporting nation in the world. Hahaha so funny I think a kiwi wrote it but was pretty funny
not “the best sporting nation in the world” josh. If you would read the comment properly you will see it says “pound for pound”. Referring to the amazing results a country of 4 million people produce on the world scale. Multiple World champion sporting teams (actually defeating teams from other countries, not just domestic teams with a few international players), 3/4’s of the “american”, america’s cup team and a very respectable olympics medal tally to mention a few. Yeah i think the comment is a pretty fair one.
And before you accuse me of being a New Zealander, I assure you that i’m not. Those of us outside the US just have a little better understanding of the world around us.
Absoluletly love it. Shame on America; long live the Queen !
it’s not the declaratiion she needs to revoke it’s theTreaty of Paris which actually ended the war of Independence. If she’s revoke that we’re still at war with the Redcoats
That’ll be Next no doubt, Watch your Mouth Folks..
Just amazing xD
I can’t stop puaghing xDDD
wow! now we all will habe to learn English…. 🙂
I’m sure the Queen is a nice lady,and she must surely cringe with embarrassment and irritation whenever she sees this worn-out joke being circulated under her name.
Do not ever forget that the British did not give the U.S. our independence. We took it by force. We kicked their asses hard, to gain our independence; and we kicked their asses again, in 1812, when it became clear that they had not learned their lesson in 1776. Since then, we’ve grown big enough and powerful enough that if it came to that, we could completely wipe the U.K. off the face of the Earth, in mere minutes, at relatively little cost or risk to ourselves. Not that I think it will ever come to that.
Actually, I think you’ll find that we (The USA) had more wounded and more casualties in the War of 1812. DC and the White House were burned to the ground. The war came to a bitter stalemate that was finally ended by the Treaty of Ghent. Nobody kicked anybody’s ass.
War of 1812: US tried invading Canada, they ended up pushing them back, and has been the only country ever to burn the white house down…………………twice!!! But I understand why thats not taught or I should say indoctrinated into your history classes. How embarrassing. And dont forget, if you guys invade the wrong country, (the rest of the world is getting sick and tired of your bully tactics), you wont have any allies left. We’ll all watch the 4th Reich crumble.
Close, but wrong. In 1814 the British burnt the Whitehouse and most of Washington to the ground. I leave you to look it up to correct your facts.
Bob..you kicked the Brit’s ass in 1812? Would that be the year you invaded Canada and we Canadians, Brits, Native Indians, and escaped slaves kicked your ass to kingdom come and burnt down your white house for good measure?
In 1925, the American Chemical Society decided to go back to the original aluminum, so the United States uses a different name from most other countries. The IUPAC periodic table lists both spellings.
Long Live The Queen !!
Reblogged this on Cbmilne33’s Blog.
As a Frenchie, seeing such reverse position from her Majesty the Queen is a sweet revenge for us! US no more existing and earing the Texas guys singing “God Save the Queen” Anthem! hummmmm… it’s delicious!
Okay, I could get used to Liz, Chuck and Bill….my 11th generation grandfather came over here because of the lopping of heads epidemic but I think that nastyness is over?! Driving on the left is out, but I can live with the rest! Maybe lopping a few politician’s heads is okay too.
HI GARRY,
WHILE YOU’RE BUSY LOPPING OF HEADS, TAKE A COUPLE OF POLITICIANS HEADS UN MY COUNTRY AS WELL PLEASE??? (THE NETHERLANDS)
THANKS,
LOUISE VAN DER MAREL
Hahaha, Absolutely genius.
Poor Bob (above) still suffers from his American education and continues to believe his country won the war of 1812. The battle of New Orleans, maybe, but the war was actually over by then so the win didn’t count. Otherwise the sacking of Washington and the other ignoble defeats seem to have been overlooked in his History lessons. Never mind the American frontier skirmishes were a mere side show for the real protracted battles in Europe and around the world on the high seas. Oh well, as long as he never gets any real power to wield I guess we’re safe.
Perhaps I’m reading it wrong, but I see this as high praise for The United States of America. Even though we have all of these differences, and the UK doesn’t understand most of what we do, they would want us back. Could you imagine the reverse scenario, in which a US blogger wrote a comical letter from President Obama, wishing to reconnect ties with England?
Why are people getting upset for God sake. It’s only a joke boys. We all have our own country problems. I would hate Obama as my President but then I detest the clown we call the Prime Minister here and so it goes on….We all have our stereotype of the ” typical ” American or ” English”. There is no need to get upset…..especially abusive…..Not all Americans are 100lbs overweight have big mouths and go round with guns saying “y’all”. Not all English wear bowler hats, walk around in fog ready for tea in a china cup at 4pm. It’s a JOKE. Whatever else is said about the Queen, and I am no royalist, she is class and is NOT political. The Brits are the best friends America will have in this day and age and vice versa. A lot of Brits don’t quite get the sheer size of the US and the fact that it is like many small countries in one and the Americans cannot comprehend that UK is, as someone said, the size of a medium State. That said, the British haven’t done too bad in world history only being the size of a medium State. Let’s have some witty funny comments about this, not sheer nastiness or swearing.
Thank you! Finally someone intelligent enough to see that you can all put your testosterone away and realize it’s a JOKE! Look at that! Larine and I are on the same side!
Really enjoyed this Highly amusing Yes some Brits fail to realise that baseball is played outside the USA general Doubleday pinched this idea from a British girls game called rounders ha ha Bet the Marines don’t know this ! Colby’s retort was both fulsome and amusing Best thing I’ve read all week……..but there are some truths hidden in both versions…..watch this space I didn’t realise there were any Americans that pronounced aluminium as we do
MORNING JAMES,
IN THE NETHERLANDS THEY SAY ALUMINIM.
LOUISE
ME AGAIN JAMES.
IT’S OFCOURSE ALUMINIUM.
LOUISE
i love the way its posted on facebook and the news both sides of the atlantic havent picked it up. besides the queen would let parliment put out a statement like that
The World Series can theoretically occur outside the United States… Toronto Bluejays, anyone? Gotta agree with the “doughnut” thing, though.
Thank you Linda – I know that Americans feel that there is nothing outside of their borders worth recognizing (in most cases) but, as a former Torontonian, I too felt that even though they currently “suck”, the Toronto Blue Jays do exist and actually won the “World Series” twice!
brilliant blog!!!
Thanks! 🙂
What was Dunkirk? A bunch of Brits imitating Frenchmen. Somebody tell the old dust-farting Socialist that her standing army looks gay in those baggy shorts….
Dunkirk was the brits beating an expeditious retreat, while the french held off the german armored divisions; how is that the one imitating the other? And trying to smear the “socialist” label on royalty is just unfathonmable!
Hey Queen…. How did that idea work out for you last time???! Leave us alone but take Pierce Morgan back!!!
Fantastic! Love the “nearly-frozen gnat’s urine” in reference to American beer. 🙂
Andie McDowell played an American in Four Weddings and a Funeral…..duhhhhhh. Talley ho!!
#18 is pretty funny!….because we want to know, too… 🙂
http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=God+Save+the+Queen&FORM=VIRE1#view=detail&mid=601F97E9FFE643DE5E74601F97E9FFE643DE5E74
I believe it is appropriate to stand while listening to above. Also, the words are handily displayed on the screen so you can sing along, like karaoke!
As a baseball loving Englishman who has just lived stateside for the last 3 years, I believe the World Series was named after the World newspaper! The rest is just an amusing laugh between old friends – surely?
COOKIES?! That’s far too american. Digestives or rich tea biscuits. Nothing but Jacobs
Really, do we need to repeat the War of Independence, 1776. NOT. England’s not any better!
Queen Elizabeth wouldn’t be at all interested in any of that rubbish, of course. She is a very wise, kind, friendly lady.
Actually to the person who said the colonists won the War of Indepence…WRONG! The most important battle in the Revolutionary War was the blockade of Chesapeake Bay by the French in which not one colonist took part. Tha French soldiers also carried the day at Georgetown. Gosh, you Americans are almost as bad at history as you are at geography!
It quickly becomes very apparent that the author is not aware that brevity is the soul of wit nor that good humor writing has more than one joke with the same tired premise (we speak differently) flogged to death. Nice try, bless your heart.
The metric measuring system is used in the U.K but Imperial measurement’s are still use as well (not so much now admittedly) i.e pounds, ounces, stones, tones, m.p.h etc… we have a quarter pounder burger not a Royale
when the british learn that a fork is used with the tines crving up instead of trying to pile food on the back side of it maybe we will ake them seriously………………and since all their auto companies are now owned by the germans they finally have cars worth talking about.
It’s called table etiquette. I’m surprised you haven’t done away with the fork with all those pesky gaps where precious food can escape and just use a trough.
Yeah, a fork is not a spoon…
hahahahahhahahahahahhahaahhhhaaaaaa
😀
I think you got Australia and New Zealand mixed up there your Maj. Otherwise everything else seems to be in order.
We are not amused!!
This is a rip off of something John Cleese published over four years ago. At least you could give proper credit .
Thanks for that! I found this on the net a while back and did some editing to it, but I couldn’t figure out who the original author was.
John Cleese, among others, authors some of the funniest things I have ever read. I usually do provide original sources, though. now that I have this lead, I’ll find his original take and provide a source.
THANKS! 🙂
HI ITZHAKTS,
BOY, I ENJOYED THIS VERY MUCH.
IN A WAY I ENJOYED IT TWICE.
READING THE COMMENTS WAS THE SECOND TIME AND ALL THOSE “VINEGAR PEE’ERS”” (?)
LOOKING FORWARD TO THE NEXT.
LOUISE VAN DER MAREL
Thank you so much Louise van der Marel!
I have done some investigating and have posted the following.
I hope you enjoy that as well: https://itzhakts.wordpress.com/2013/10/06/further-to-revocation-of-independence/
I would add that “henceforth people shall a bill with a cheque vs check”. Check is something that you do when looking in a mirror not paying a bill
Kinda like tire and tyre(car). I was educated under the British system, thankfully here in Canada, we still spell like the Brits. do.
Junior sub-deputy NATO liaison Joe Stavranokolis, whose job it is to keep in line United States government employee (and CIA asset) ‘Her Majesty’ & issue her marching orders, could not be reached for comment as he was busy fishing during the shutdown
Reblogged this on Get Off The Beaten Path… and commented:
This is a good read by itzhakts.wordpress.com
Seeing British and American taunt each other for having weird spelling.
Dies with laughter. I mean larfter. I mean larftur, I mean laphtur. I mean lafter.
Absolutely ridiculous!
This article first did the rounds more than a decade ago when George Bush was elected, I’m glad to see someone repost it as it’s pretty funny. However, perhaps you should label it as a report because it looks like you’re claiming it as an original piece…
You are right, and someone has mentioned that I neglected to do so.
In any case, I have posted a new entry with regards to who is believed to be the original author of the original version of this post: https://itzhakts.wordpress.com/2013/10/06/further-to-revocation-of-independence/
Glad you enjoyed it!
I thought only my people;Iranian are reacting like that! To me this is only a joke! So why you cant take a joke & stop bullying each other?!😀
Reblogged this on Reformed Principia and commented:
Her majesty’s comments on American beer are spot on
The Queen only can reclaim 13 villages… the rest of those lands belong to México, so please give them bak!!!
Hip hip! It has been an interesting trip ‘down memory lane’… British humor is singularly the best. Makes one’s brain kick into gear. Thanks for the memory and grin!
Jo
This isn’t something the Queen of England would do nor have the power to do. Her power is limited to which hat to wear that the tax payers of the UK paid for. As much as I love England, I’m afraid their spelling and vocabulary used by most is either incorrect, very inaccurately, Americanized or medeival. No, she would not and can not actually spill out this funny writ but I give the author credit for smacking the hands of American politicians. Its quite humerous. God bless the queen.
If I were to take this seriously, I would send Her Majesty an American’s reply:
Gracious Majesty (and distant cousin),
Thank you so much for your concern for our country. I am sure that, to you, the United States of America seems to be a very young nation. Perhaps we are. We do not have your one thousand year history since William defeated Harold at Hastings.
Consider, then, that we are going through growing pains. And we are trying to learn from some of the growing pains Great Britain and other parent nations have experienced in their histories. I am sure you are aware that we do not desire to do as former British rulers have done in order to fill their treasuries. We prefer to avoid forcible action against our own citizens and near neighbors. (We rather like Canadians.)
Please understand that our vocabulary is not the Queen’s English. It is not meant to be. I daresay there are a number of citizens of Great Britain who do not speak the Queen’s English. How frustrating that must be! American English is a combination of many languages. Before my ancestors arrived here, there were already a number of native dialects. Each culture absorbed words from others. This is a time honored way of developing one’s language, much as Celts and Saxons blended their words and then Norman French brought its elegance to the English language.
Please understand that we are most proud of our independence. While we appreciate your kind offer, accepting it would be dishonorable on a personal level. Too many of my ancestors fought hard and endured great hardship, some losing their lives, to release our home from its status as an English colony. I would lose my life before I would give this precious gift away.
We Americans do argue among ourselves, much as brothers and sisters. But, like a family, we eventually come together when we recognize a crisis.
Your Majesty, we have great respect for you and for Great Britain. We are also very proud of our own nation and our independence. Thank you for your kind offer, but we’ll retain our independence.
Very well done!
Kate, this is a well-worded, heartfelt reply to which I would love to add my voice. While we Americans cherish our freedom, we still treasure the friendship that we have achieved with Great Britain and other countries. We are not perfect by any means, but then, who is? We (and everyone else) can only strive to live in harmony with the rest of this ever-shrinking, instant-news-media world neighborhood, and I pray that all peoples of the world can learn to appreciate and respect cultural and religious differences in order to effect peace at last. This may be a dream, but I can hope it will come to pass.
Kate ‘Brevity maybe the soul of wit’, but only for those with short attention spans!
Reblogged this on broadyesl and commented:
International Humor:
Even though the UK and the USA both speak English, there are still many differences. Read more here
Andir McDowell played an American in “Four weddings and a funeral.” Therefore, she was never attempting a British accent. She was the only American character in the film which us perhaps why her accent stands out. However, Kevin Costner’s pathetic attempt at a British accent in “Robin Hood,” circa 1991, is utterly indefensible. There is no excuse for this assault on the English language.
I don’t think there was an attempt. He always sounds like that.
Reblogged this on Tears of a Stone Angel.
I loved, loved it! Been missing smart and funny humor for ages! God Bless the Queen!
Totally agree to all of the above with the exception of Andy McDowell in Four Weddings and a Funeral. She played an American, and didn’t have an English accent. ???
Does this mean we will now be overrun with Muslims and dentists are outlawed?
Reblogged this on The Kenyan Tenses and commented:
This is just fantastic!
sounds reasonable
You Americans are so easy to anger it’s hilarious, you spent a good half day responding to a trollworthy fake letter. I P.s The moment I’ve seen any Americans drink a European or British beer, they instantly denounce any of your shitty puss water beer, Budweiser included.
Did we just get bitch slapped by the queen?
Yeah.. right. Even with our debt I think we are still better off than the average British citizen.
Reblogueó esto en @Esteban_Silesy comentado:
Un texto irónicamente necesario
Any chance of Adding something along the lines of:
You WILL receive universal healthcare as a matter of course; it’s an obvious sign of a civilised society, which is why all of Europe does so. Heretical objector’s to this new law will be persecuted in the same way as their religious loon forefathers were.
It would be appropriate.
Hey leave Aussie beer alone. It has made this country a great sporting nation. Aussie cousins across the ditch also drink great beer and as you say are also a great sporting nation. By the way, “has it stopped raining in England”. hehehe!
You Americans are such a suckers! This is just a huge joke being payed on you!
The Queen should know that the Brits themselves don’t use the metric system. Why should we???
Reblogged this on C. K. Crouch.
God save the Queen, by and act of faith to preserve her dominion, from ruin.
Q: How many American cities end in “burgh”?
A: One.
Dear Queenie,
Since our Independence from English Rule wasn’t granted, it was fought for and won on the field of battle, your revocation means nothing! If you want to Rule us, Get ready for battle! We’ll beat the knickers right out from under you!
America!
Funny stuff! Love It!
20. Daily Tea Time … with proper cups – not those Styrofoam abominations!
HAIL..!! MR BEAN..lol
Reblogged this on 5 Degrees Of Inspiration and commented:
oh, SAHM & OM need to read this one LMAO!!
AND, this wouldn’t be so bad…..
We kicked you out once, we beat you off a second time and we’ve helped you win every major war since so ill I have To say to this bullshit is, Come and take it ya fuckin pussies!
Reblogged this on vicbriggs's Blog and commented:
From: Her Majesty The Queen, Buckingham Palace, London SW1A 1AA
To: United States of America
Subject: Revocation of Independence
P.S. To all newly reinstated subjects of the crown on the North American Continent: If you wish to write a formal letter, you can open with ‘Madam’ and close the letter with the form ‘I have the honour to be, Madam, Your Majesty’s humble and obedient servant’.
It was really funny!!! Although Four Weddings and a Funeral is a British movie (not Hollywoodien) and Andie MacDovell plays an Amercican character in it. So why would she try to speak with a British accent?
Good luck on #19–we’re already bankrupt, just ask Congress…
Bloody Brilliant!
Point number 10 was obviously added by an American who mistakenly thinks that the UK uses metric measurements. They probably don’t realize that the US still uses the outdated British measurement.
To Quote a Very Famous Englishman, which this Irish American dearly loves to read, this whole thing is “Much to do about nothing”. Ergo! I have enjoyed much of this as I can stand. Long live john Cleese.
What about making sure that when shopping the price displayed is the price you pay without all this state tax malarky having to be added on at the till!! Ha!
Andie McDowell portrayed an American character in Four Weddings and a Funeral, thus a British accent wasn’t necessary…..your misunderstanding of her poor British accent is simply due to the fact that she’s a terrible actress….dialect not withstanding ….
Dear Queen Elizabeth II, if you can disband our government, feel free to do so. Afterwards, we will start over, make our own rules, and prepare to bail you out of the illegal alien Sharia invasion that has taken over your country.
Signed
Awakening & still armed citizens.
Well, you did it now republicans tea party democrats. You went and ruined it for eberybody. 😦
OMG people calm down already it is a joke, you all act like the world is ending. CALM down and laugh at it like everyone else for Gods sake.
As per E. Berry: After reading all of the comments (especially the ones about Obama being the cause of all our woes), I can understand why we are failing as a nation: NO ONE HAS A BLOODY SENSE OF HUMOR! I
Shame the author spelled aluminium incorrectly 🙂
Damn – sorry – someone already said that 🙂
Reblogged this on goopscoop and commented:
I’ve read this before, but it never gets old! (Pretty much like the Queen herself……Oh , wait! )
This is hilarious!!! Funny how the original posting date is from ** 2011 **. A friend just shared it with me on facebook, and I assumed it was posted in “honor” of the government shutdown. In 2011, who would have thought that the politicians in DC could have screwed things up even more? (well, actually, I kind of thought they could, but was hoping I was wrong… take-home lesson – I’m always right!)
My fellow Americans, stop your incessant whining!! This is Great!!! Lizzy and the Brits are going to pay off all our debt!! Kind of like marrying someone and finding out they have a secret credit card with a $50,000 balance, which by the way is now Your debt, too (ahh, marital bliss). Except in this case the debt is hardly a secret, but whatever. Then we can declare independence all over again (and of course succeed… again), and we’d start over with a clean financial slate. Kind of like declaring bankruptcy, but without all the paperwork. Wow, why didn’t We think of this?? God save the Queen, dude! (or is it Long Live the Queen? or Long Live the King? or is the latter one just something Billy Shakespeare says?… oh, whatever.)
This is really, really so very good. They need to learn proper English and the GOPs need to learn good manners.. They also need to learn how to SHARE THEIR WEALTH TO THE LESS FORTUNATE INSTEAD TRYING TO MAKE THINGS HARDER FOR OTHER LESS FORTUNATE FOLK (those silly asses and the biggest ones are TED CRUZ , JON BOEHNER and that female fool (momentarily forgot her name), but believe me, she is a thorough jackass.
Finish the sentence. “The government shutdown kept me from…” http://tgsdkmf.com
I love America, it’s one of the UK’s finest exports
Dear Lizzy, you didn’t give us independence, we kicked your red coat ass, all the way back to the 12th Century, give or take a few years. Our spelling may appaul you, but your Monarchy “cast system” fell apart in South Africa & our Britt brothers have been reeling since a cruise missle gave your once powerful, now antiquated Navy’s tighty white ass! After centuries of living off the blood, swet, and tears of your commoners, or so you upper crusties would have it, your “working class” you finally tripped over that huge mountain of guilt, and actually made your own feeble attempt of paying some tax your damn self? Wow, how lily white of you, your hiness . . . ! Now that you have a mosk on every corner of every block in England, and it’s antiquated villages, and the Muslims are about to have the power of the election process, maybe they will pass laws requiring even you to cover your face and body . . . Allah save us all . . . ! If truth be known, the majority of citizens would have preferred to keep “Shirley Temple” in the limelight & put the Royal Family in mothballs, years ago, where your stoic faces belong! We love it when people smile & with all the billions you’ve bilked those commoners out of over the years, isn’t it time at your old age, that you gave some back? Thanks for the pomp and circumstance, for years it’s amused us, but your ratings have fallen in this great country, actually lower than our own grabby politicians in Congress, so to put it politely, GAME OVER for what the feeble monarchy has to say! Wear some Red, White & Blue next 4th of July, remember this date if it escapes you “1776” it obviously was a very good year!
If only!!!!!
WHAT DO YOU THINK IF AMERICAN CITIZEN WILL RETURN TO ITS MONARCHICAL GOVERNMENT…
I suppose that Charlie should tell the old bat it’s time to abdicate if she thinks she can issue such orders.;)
Pip pip, old bean, what ho?
Really funny, I have forwarded and probably lost a few customers xxx
Well, you are the ones who are suffering, because the idiot replublicans don’t want you to have health care, then fine go ahead pay through the nose for your medical, but remember there are people who deserve to be treated fairly, because they don’t have money for health insurance, doesn’t mean that you are any better than them. Obama is a good President, for you haters, stop looking at the wrong and try to see the right.
RE-DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE
When in the Course of human Events, it becomes necessary for one People to dissolve the political Bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the Powers of the Earth, the separate and equal Station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent Respect to the Opinions of Mankind requires that they should declare the Causes which impel them to the Separation.
We hold these Truths to be self-evident:
1.) That unnecessary Vowels & silent Diphthongs, along with archaic & non-phonetic Spellings are otiose and repugnant, and should be purged from the English Tongue forthwith. The Honorable (not Honourable) Noah Webster of Connecticut shall be charged with making said Modifications to the Language, along with any others that he may deem fitting & proper.
2.) That the shooting of a former Employer can indeed be therapeutic, and constitutes a valuable Check against wrongful Dismissal. For this Purpose, the Right to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed.
3.) That any automotive Manufacturer which may find itself unable to make a Profit should be eligible for a federal Bailout, en lieu of being sold to the Germans.
4.) That Roundabouts should henceforth be known as ‘Traffic Circles’ and used sparingly, except in pretentious housing Subdivisions. Steering Columns should be moved to the left Side of the vehicle, enabling Rednecks to ‘ride shotgun’.
5.) That the Use of the Metric System should be limited to natural science Textbooks, foreign Films & plastic Coke Bottles, and should under no Circumstance be applied to Gasoline, which shall continue be sold by the Gallon and subjected only to the most absurdly low Tax imaginable.
6.) That, in Honor of the Marquis de Lafayette, who so nobly and bravely helped us secure the Blessings of Liberty, Chips should henceforth be known either as French Fries or as Freedom Fries; and never should they be sullied with the foul Taste of Vinegar. Furthermore, Waiters and Waitresses bringing their Customers said Fries should be required to smile profusely and make pointless Smalltalk, under Pain of losing their 15% Tip.
7.) That any malt Beverage with any discernable Flavor whatsoever should categorized as an Exotic Import and subject to special Duties & Levies. Germans should be allowed to settle Frontier and open Breweries only so long as they agree to water down their Beer sufficiently to suit the American national Palette.
8.) That all English Actors and Actresses should be limited to Roles as Villains–but witty villains, entitled to no less one clever quip per film, however small the part, before being dispatched by the rough-hewn, red-blooded All-American Good Guy. This witty remark Clause, however, shall not apply to Actors or Actresses descending from any of the other Races of Man, including, but not limited to, Mexicans, Arabs and East Asians, who are hereby relegated to Roles portraying them as lazy Criminals, mindless Terrorists, and sneaky Subversives, respectively. Moreover, the official national Language for all Actors originating in non-Anglophone Nations shall be broken, choppy English; under no Circumstance may Subtitles by used.
9.) That Football should henceforth be known as Soccer, and that the former Term should be reserved for a Sport requiring full-body Armor. American Football Players, moreover, shall be required to wear rip-off Jerseys, so that Game Officials can check to make sure that are completely armored at all Times.
10.) That the Sport of Cricket should be replaced by Baseball, wherein the Bowler (heretofore, Pitcher) shall be strictly enjoined from allowing the Ball to bounce before it reaches the Batsman (heretofore, Batter). Furthermore, any Baseball League which includes at least two Teams from Canada, and whose Quotient of Players originating in the Dominican Republic is at least twenty-five Percent, should have the Right to hold an annual World Series, not to exceed seven Matches.
11.) That all Enquiries concerning the Fate of one John Fitzgerald Kennedy should be directed to Mr. Oliver Stone of California.
12.) That, until such Time as the Tea Tax be repealed, consumption of this Beverage should be restricted to single white Females, Convalescents, & New Agers. The official national Beverage for all other Americans shall be either Coffee, or else artificially-colored Soft Drinks with waaaaaay too much Sugar.
13.) That any Form of Humor which may fairly be described as wry, dry, sarcastic, sardonic, or ironic, should be forevermore abolished in favor of Slapstick and Fart Jokes.
Sincerely,
[round-robbin, founding-father signatures begin here]
She forgot to mention banning of Nascar and Indy car races. what can motor industry ever gain by having race cars that run only in a straight line?
No way do I accept this!
Reblogged this on Zimdev.
The only thing nice about the UK is when you leave it! I visited London in 1972 and could not wait to go home. The trip was given to me as a gift from a dearly beloved deceased aunt and uncle as a wedding gift.
The people are like ice cubes and if you could understand a word they say, it might help! But a born and raised Brit sounds nothing like your UK visitor who has probably traveled worldwide and has a bit of every language attached to his speech which makes it bareable. The food is the worse I ever had. I wanted a simple tuna fish sandwich one day and not one restaurant knew what tuna salad even was. As it was not common as it is here.
No your Highness, I like the US just fine!
Is this real? If so , To the Queen : HOE YOU NOT SOVEREIGN ON “MY” LAND!!!! YOU DON’T OWN SHIT HERE ,AND YOU MOST DEF DON’T OWN ME PEACE!!!
Think you mean piece, although one does love the irony of your misspelling. The Queen (god bless her) is not a farming implement using for turning soil by hand, you may be surprised to find it is a title given to an actual person that rules the land (we call this a monarchy) and I have no doubt that she does have some form of property over the pond (term we use for the ocean that thankfully keeps tykes like you at bay). I hope this enlightens you good sir and may I recommend the earl grey at 4pm.
Love IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes! God save the Queen!!! lol
Please exclude Texas and Utah as well. Her Majesty can donate Texas back to the Mexicans as it is rightfully theirs.
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If a majority of British had not voted to not go back and reclaim, then the transgression would not have trapped, seduced and wasted the Protestant world. One good thing about the Founders is that they were concerned that majority rule was inadequate, and undermining. So checks and balances and an emphasis on liberty by law as a Republic was made. The world copies us in failure, but we are not what either we once were, or pretend to be.
a well made point, I must say
If it wasn’t for the Uk the USA would be Navaho Indians, we made you…. period …
Does anyone realize this was a JOKE written by John Cleese, in 2008? Funny guy that Brit!! 😊
I personally don’t think our votes count anyway. They already know who they wanted in office and that is who they will put in office. They just simply tell us to vote and our votes count to make us think “we” are making the choice (a pacifier if you will.) The government proved that when they didn’t count all the votes in Florida many years ago. They should have let all those people re-vote instead of just casting them aside. We have no say so they just like us to think we do.
Poppy cock! In more ways than one! The britts are dumb? Hood/ bonnet? Lu/ toilet ? Motor carriage / car? Your English is the most misunderstood in the entire world, and at best the rest of the world can’t understand any of you when you open you mouths? Fanny/ pussy??? Now you got it all wrong my queen? Peach, tweeter, camel toe? These are real words, that your little Harry knows nothing about? Lololol, as far as you government, your the problem! Your elections are based on what ever you my queen want ??? Who you kidding?? Now put your beer in a fridge, and be happy!
This is funny. But what’s even funnier is that People with crooked teeth think the can take our freedom. They tried it once. If they think they can do it, Molon Labe’.
Seriously….we are Americans! We are Not Brits and Its not Our fault that and idiot was voted into office as a president! The Peoples vote doesn’t matter and most people that have any intelligence know this. Proud to be an American but ashamed of Our President and Government. I will continue to spell neighbor, aluminum etc. as we Americans was taught. Just setting it straight!
With all due respect…the Queen of England can KISS my INDEPENDENT AMERICAN ASS!
Felons are still citizens. Depending on the state, and the type of felony may be able to vote again. They are not second class citizens. Maybe those of you who think otherwise, should kindly remove your head out of your tuckus. OH and realize with the laws that the U.S. has, many of us aren’t that far away from being a felon. Acorn, while corrupt as hell, does try to register felons, because those that are able to vote are allowed to vote.
1) With compliments, regards, and apologies, HRH will most likely appoint to HRH’s (newly reclaimed) Dominion a Governor General, rather than a simple Governor. Provincial Governors Brown and Christie duly prove the inadequacy of the title and office.
2) Re: rule 12 (above), the (restored) colonials beg guidance in dealing with the production and use of buffalo chips.
3) Re: rule 18 (above), will HRH further require full disclosure of all information relevant to the (1947) Roswell Incident?
4) Will HRH require the use of the Johnston Sans font for all (publicly visible) signage in the newly reclaimed desmaines of HRH?
5) Will the appointed Governor (General) hold the go-codes for the dominion nukes, or will HRH take them in hand?
As we of the newly restored Realm huddle on Elizabeth’s knee, please advise . . .
Hilarious
like hell why do you think we had american revolution in the first place for freedom we just need to fire our government and get a new one
Reblogged this on The Rants & Raves of Daisy & Belinda.
Ok first of all us Americans are spoiled brats. We didn’t like having to follow the rules and guidelines of England so like little kids we ran away and then found the natives land and then wanted it for our own so just tried taking it by force and we wouldn’t have been successful if the British soldiers hadn’t backed us. They helped decrease the numbers down to where we then could do it with the numbers we had. How did we repay England for the help? we told them to fuck themselves pretty much and then went independent because we didn’t like how things were done. We play unfair in war. Japan actually had a fair chance in beating us so what did we do ? dropped a damn nuke on them! We can’t even play fairly. As for Obama he is a problem and never should have been elected. His damn obama care does not take care of the whole nation which i read in a few comments. Whats gonna happen is jails are going to be filled with people that can’t afford to pay for healthcare because they are barely keeping a roof over their heads as is and the quality of care will go down the toilet. People that disagree watch and see. Obama isn’t for America and anyone that thinks he is doesn’t know what is going on within the country. With how things are going I say let England take us back because soon we will be just like England. i am sure if government does try taking rights to bare arms there will be a civil war but in the end we will loose our rights to bear arms. We run the natives of this land to reservations and declare independence from them why? To only end up just like them in the end. Wait a go America..
Texas will claim its independence again if shit really hit the fan.
I think it would be nice if she had the Republicans over for tea .. and at least let us Democrats stand outside in the street and hope that someday, we’ll be socially acceptable enough to have tea on the sidewalk.
Britain would never DREAM of taking on America. Where once the British were the world’s bullies, America has more than proved to be the one nation capable of destroying all others, including itself. Wars end when the money runs out. It was true in the times of the Crusades, and is just as true today. But it’s still great to see the buddies Britain and America slogging it out, toe to toe, with the folk still fighting in 1776 and the politicians in Afghanistan in 2013!
This is awesome. I had a giggle at the entire essay. I can do without national ( obama) health care, keep that private. Government’s job is to protect our borders, maintain infrastructure, and a standing sent. Not attempt to raise our kids, think for us and such.It cannot take care of itself. It hasn’t paid attention to how certain programs it is doing now, that had failed all over the world when tried in the past. It (gov) in the three items I mentioned, it hasn’t earned the right to be a parent to us..please forgive the errors, I’m writing on a very small phone interface. No government is prefect, and will be. We have to think for ourselves.
What the Queen doesn’t realise is that all the Americans do is continue to spell their words in the way they did when the first settlers left Britain. Its is her lot who have changed, and America has stayed loyal to old English, so she can put that in her pipe and smoke it (English expression – she doesn’t smoke a pipe. At least I don’t think so. Maybe she has taken it up. Who knows?).
It’s ketchup, not catsup. I’ll ask mummy for this to be added to your vocabulary lessons and spelling tests.
Reblogged this on rosneath and commented:
very funny ….
Dear Her Majesty;
Major League Baseball is played outside of the US- in Canada. As Canada is part of the Commonwealth, you should know that.
Canadian beer is better than New Zealand’s, well some of it, except for that American crap they make here now.
Your Loyal Subject
Listen folks, let the Queen have us; she then will be responsible for the 16 TRILLION $$ DEBT.
Hey, whatever, as long as we get healthcare, I’m in!
Funny and on point, but much more Anglo- and Eurocentric than its author(s) imagine.
Reblogged this on Bbashya!.
Reblogged this on Letters from Marseille and commented:
touché
Reblogged this on "Corn and grain, corn and grain, All that falls shall rise again." – Wiccan Harvest Chant and commented:
This is so funny, not PC, but funny
sorry Ma’am but it’s a “spelling checker” (even in British English) and not “spell-checker”. No one’s checking ur spell (have u got any?)
Sorry, Liz, we already have a king. Name’s Soetoro.
“Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.”…lol. Congress is made up of the House of Representatives AND the Senate. still a good joke, but I don’t think England can take on the burden of our deficit. lol
Liz, if youse had won we’d all still be speaking engilsh.
Very good. Except a couple of things – Andie Macdowell was doing her own lovely Southern US accent in 4 weddings, NOT a British one. Also, ‘Aluminum’ is actually the correct pronunciation, and we Brits are the ones who added an ‘i’ for no good reason.
I LOVE “Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.”
Hilarious, but congress is made up of senate and House of Representatives. That would be like saying the House of Lords and parliament
Reblogged this on FLICK CHICK'S MIX ….. and commented:
Some things are simply too funny……and possibly right on target if we are all honest …… to be ignored …..
P14
Reblogged this on Unplugged @ Knight and commented:
Big changes coming….
I like the part that says “Please note that I am not the author of this post, although I have edited some of the content.” I believe that pretty much amounts to plagiarism. I mean yes you have that disclaimer, but it doesn’t source the original author. Real classy.
The UK is a great place to live if you want inflation without pay increases and Aircraft Carriers without planes. Anyway, it was originally alumium, then aluminum and followed by aluminium, so the US is stuck somewhere between 1807 and 1812 on that one.
I’d rather be shot, and this proves the ignorance of Americans. Britain has its own troubles, anyone recall the riots there a couple years ago? Our nation will come out of this like we always do and will be better for it
Remember the last time the British tried to interfere in our independence. We may be screwing it up, but we aren’t ready yet to throw-in the towel. As soon as we remove the impostor from the White House, we will resume funding and feeding the rest of the world.
The English editor of my book on Lebanon, War and Conflict in a Fragmented Society, gave me fits about certain words. The British have no words for mountaineer, hill billy, or delicious (food). My editor was a very lovely lady, but she kept having me send new copies of my book when what she had received from the publisher got soaked when her grass roof leaked. Last time I was in London, it took me two weeks to recover from being scared out of my wits when I stepped out of the subway station at Russell Square only to see a large sheep dog driving a car straight at me on the wrong side of the street. Then, I tried to board a bus, and it backed off , leaving me swinging from one of its side rails. We could use a bit of monarchy, thought. Why not switch queens, Oprah for Lizzie?
Looks as id you cannot go to any sites anymore with out ignorant wing nuts.
Why did Mr Webster (or whoever it was) stop short? Surely it should be “Kuller” and “Onur”, not color and honor. Incidentally, en passant, please note that “it’s” is a contraction of “it is”; its means “belonging to it”. That’s all folks.
lol lol lol….. Americans will never never ever speak like “British” does. Personally I’m not able to speak “British English and yes I countinueing writting every shit with no OU”””
lol the Queen is an illuminati idiot just like the American government she already controls america through the federal reserve and her Jesuit banker buddies wake up
LOL! Having just been watching kids’ TV, have to add, “And you didn’t invent the phrase, “Yes we can!” either!” 🙂
Love this letter, however correction on #17, it is called the world series after the world newspaper which originally began this competition.
Sincerely, a baseball enjoying Australian.
Halarious!! Quite a bit of ironic truth 2 the joke. Blame the mis-spelling on my USA based education.
Reblogged this on retail fix and commented:
Not a bad idea
Gord save the Queen and all who live under Her Reign – including our American cousins. Rule Britannia, and all that sort of thing! PS Love the comment about the German cars. Brilliant!
come and take it bitch
this all turned to equine fecal matter when you started in on the equine fecal matter regarding german automobiles
anyone who lived through the blitz or is a decendedent of (ie: any Brit that didn’t graduate from University of East St. Bumfuck) would never ever EVER consider purchasing an automobile manufactured in the former turd reich
Am I the only one who noticed #10? England hasn’t gone metric….
Reblogged this on musicnewjersey and commented:
Seriously funny…read on!
ahahaha your so funny……. NOT!!!!!!! you do not run the USA and i’m proud to be an American and love OUR national anthem just the way it is!!!! P.S. I like my independence thank you very much!!!!!
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